I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
