I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
