True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
