So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
