the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
