first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
