At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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