When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
what day is it and did you see me today?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
