but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
