I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
