he told me I talked like a deaf person
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
