Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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