I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just found a bag of teeth...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
