What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You've changed since you got that strap on
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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