Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
