sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
