All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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