okay pat passed out under dana's car
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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