Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
