dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
