I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
