I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
