Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling