My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
