We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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