Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
