All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Randomize
