What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
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I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
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I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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