I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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