I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
