We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
