The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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