There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
