I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
