nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
