it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize