im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
