I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
