so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You were trust falling into bushes
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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