I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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