The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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