he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
