in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
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Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
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THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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