There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
