So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
