i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
