Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
