Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
