I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
