I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
