if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
