A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
