My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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