Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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