Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
