everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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