we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I didn't notice because vodka
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
